Create in me a clean heart. Renew within me a right spirit.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again just in case you thought the magic fairy sprinkled perfect fairy dust on me since I last posted…
I’m not perfect. I am a Christian. I love Jesus, but I am not perfect. I mess up. I try to do things on my own. I am humbled by sin and the need to repent. I get it wrong sometimes. I am hard on myself and then try to control my circumstances which causes anxiety. I ran from that word for a long time feeling like I should be stronger, have more faith, be more thankful, wear a constant smile. I don’t like to be vulnerable with people because I don’t trust they won’t use it against me later or talk about it/me when I am not around.
YET, I feel called to write and share with others sometimes. Talk about a conundrum. THEN, I struggle to always share what’s on my heart because it feels too exposed and I believe you like to read positive encouraging messages, not the complaints or hardships of life. I mean, that’s everywhere, right?
I haven’t shared as much recently for those very reasons.
I post of my sweet boys because truly, being their mom is my greatest joy. But I mess that up too. In fact, I’ve had a particularly hard week because Randen asked me some really hard questions this week and prefaced it with, “Mom, I know you’ll always tell me the truth…” so there I was having a conversation with him I felt he was a bit young for, praying the entire time that I was being the Mom he needed that ultimately pointed him to Jesus and praying God would pick up where I lack with him. Pretty sure I messed it up.
Anxiety. For some reason, I have struggled with anxiety probably since my teens, but I didn’t call it that. Since Beckham was born, it’s been a bit more unmanageable. See, previously I had some things going on in life that I could attribute anxious feelings as being “normal” because most people would struggle walking through those experiences. But since Beckham has been born, literally nothing was that “wrong” so why was I struggling inside? I can’t really explain the guilt that followed the anxiety. I prayed and prayed, read and read, cried alone, had panic attacks, and felt like the most ungrateful failure after those panic attacks. What’s wrong with me? He’s all I wanted and I love him with my whole being. When someone suggested it was all of the change, I hated that because I love everything about the changes he has brought to our family. So, I finally admitted it and asked for some help. And guess what? It’s getting so much better. Don’t let your pride trap you. It’s ok to admit you need some help time to time. I doubt I’m alone with anxiety.. maybe we can share more in that space together later.
But sometimes I try to hide the fact I’m not perfect from God. I realize it’s crazy. He knows everything already. So yesterday while praying for Randen’s peace, praying I answered his questions correctly, I literally felt overwhelmed. Just exhausted. I couldn’t even pinpoint the root of the feeling, but It was uncomfortable. I prayed God would help me reset. That was literally my word. “Lord, please just reset me. Reassure me that you’re here, that I’m doing ok in life. Just reset me.” I got a notification on my phone from the Bible app, and it was Psalms 51:10. …renew a right spirit within me. It isn’t the right spirit to feel I’m alone or on my own. It isn’t the right spirit to feel like I need to hide from God. It isn’t the right spirit to focus only on my shortcomings. It isn’t the right spirit to have pride. The verse gave me such peace because God knew, HE KNEW, sometimes we would have to reset and he would have to renew us. When I fall short, he is willing to hit the reset button. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I shared alllll that (sorry it was a bit of a ramble) to say this. If you need to renew and reset, do it. It’s good for the soul. Take a moment alone. Confess it all, and pray Psalms 51:10, that God will create a clean heart and renew the right spirit within you. Hit the reset button. Its ok to be vulnerable with God because he will never use it against you. You’re safe there. He will take it, hold it, and help you walk through it. If you need some help, ask for it. There’s not an ounce of shame in that. If you don’t know who to talk to, message me. I’d love to listen. I pray for every single reader all the time! I pray you feel less alone and encouraged.
“We’re all just walking each other home.” – Ram Dess
So, so much love my friends!
(Thanks for the image, Google!)